Skopje basically looks like Medusa parachuted in out of the blue one day and was like “Wassaaaaap bitches?” And everyone said “Wuh- Oh goddammit I’m a statue now you asshole.” And they were right. Skydiving Medusa is the dirt worst.
And what's the story with the 58 skulls that didn’t get chiseled out of the tower? Man, that’s way worse than my dad forgetting to pick me up after little league practice. “Whose skull is that? Frank? Fuck Frank, he owed me money.”
When I told friends and family I was going to Montenegro, the most common response was “Have fun in Bosnia!” No, it’s not a city in Bosnia, it’s a cou- “Watch out for the war!” Consistently and without flaw, my phone always autocorrected “Montenegro” to “Nintendo.”
Then the commotion escalated. Suddenly and chaotically. What the- And then, some kind of very loud alarm went off and thick steel shutters slammed down with alarming force over the doors and windows of the grocery store, sealing all of us inside.
My favorite thing about the ride was that once the owl started talking, my brain immediately went “Bulllllllllshit, owls can't speak Dutch!” This still cracks me up. Somehow it’s more believable when animals are speaking English, you know? I mean, I can’t even speak Dutch. What is this, some kind of genius owl?
Taiga kind of ruined my life and I didn’t even mind. The ride has you board a big-ass bird inside its big-ass nest and proceed to swoop around Finland performing the kind of aerial acrobatics that birds probably do when they’re on acid.
